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I've Got Soul But I'm Not A Soldier
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in idlelorienleaf's LiveJournal:

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Friday, July 17th, 2009
4:13 pm
I really need to get better about this whole updating thing. I've had this journal for nigh on a million years, so I should really update it more frequently, shouldn't I?

Well, I guess I'll start with the big stuff. I went to Israel in June. It was probably the most incredible experience of my entire life. I got to walk where Jesus walked. I experienced so much culture in the week that I was there, it was ridiculous. I still can't believe I went to Israel. Me. Morgan Gray. I went. To Israel.

I just realized, I'm not sure where my passport is. Which is bad, considering I'm going to Australia in December.

Yeah, that's happening. I'm leaving a few days after Christmas, and then I'm leaving Australia after the New Year. How's that for a Christmas vacation? It's going to be UNBEARABLY hot over there, but I can't wait to see Lamoo and Lauren and Jake. Maybe I'll even let Alex and Nik know of my presence in the great land of the Aussies.

Semester starts in August and I am oh so super strapped for cash. I am sooo nervous about this upcoming semester. I really need to get a roll on these loans. i know things always turn out for the best, or at least, they always work out in the end. I'm just nervous. Hopefully I do just as well this semester as I did in the last two semesters. College is such a different animal.

Well, I think that's all. I'm going to try to be better about this whole updating thing in the future.

Current Mood: bored
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
9:47 am
So I haven't updated in twenty five weeks, apparently. I guess I'll give a basic rundown of my life. Starting with Easter weekend.

I drove the 10.5 hours up to Michigan from Tennessee all by my lonesome. Visited with family, mainly. I went to my mom's house to see her and to see off my friend Eric, who is leaving for the army. It was really, really sad. I was crying my eyes out on the way home, I'm really going to miss that boy. That, coupled with the fact that my mom is moving to Texas in July, has really destroyed my vision of home. Benzie isn't really home anymore. Speaking of Benzie, I went OFF on my old English teacher and told her that she was partially responsible for my spiral into depression, that she was an awful teacher, and an awful director who cared more about socializing with her students than teaching them or making sure they weren't being harassed. It felt good to tell her. But anyway, on my way home from my moms house, a deer hit my car. As in, the deer literally ran full tilt into my driver door. As if my night hadn't been bad enough (Eric and I got into a tiff about the fact that while we were hanging out we hardly said five words to eachother...all resolved now...) I got home, back to my dad's house, at around in the morning, then got up early to get breakfast with Jerrod. We ate at Denny's, and I swear, the wait was so much longer than it EVER has been. Easter was kind of disappointing. I wanted to get a tattoo Saturday night but Liquid was paaaaaacked, so that was a no go. Which is probably better, I need to save my money for Israel. Then on Monday morning I got up and drove back to Tennessee. My windshield wipers broke somewhere in Ohio during a terrible spring thunderstorm, but they survived enough that I could see pretty clearly. The same thing happened in Kentucky, once I got out of an hour and a half long traffic jam. I ended up having to stop and ghetto-rig my wipers so I could continue. Basically, my 10.5 hour drive turned into a 13 hour drive...I've never made a trip that long ever, in my entire life.


I'm going to Israel in June, or at least, I'm going to try my damndest to go to Israel in June. IT costs 2390, of which I have about... 600? I know, I know, thats terrible. But saving is really hard when I have bills to pay. I'm tryinggggg. I haven't even sent out fundraising letters yet, but I'm working a lotttt to try to wrangle up some cash. I really hope I can go, it will be an amazing experience. The trip IS throwing a spanner in the works of my summer, though. I wanted to take enough classes this summer to be considered a junior next fall, but apparently, that isn't going to happen. I need to take twelve credits of summer classes for my financial aid to kick in...and it isn't. THe other option for summer classes, LCC, is out also, because they only have a summer semester, rather than summer sessions, and classes start the day I leave for Israel.

I find it incredible that the coffee from the cafeteria actually tastes like cardboard. And its not even just the cardboard aftertaste. Its the whole thing. Its disgusting.

I can think of three classes I am most likely receiving a B in. And that is bad. Bye bye, scholarship...

and also, i cut off all my hair. Twenty inches of it, in fact.

I think I'll leave that update there.
Monday, October 20th, 2008
11:13 pm
I bet you all have been wondering where I've been.

-Class
-Work
-Practice Rooms

I miss my little LJ
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
8:27 am
so I'm getting ready for church and I can't decide if I'm overdressed or not.
Also, my hair feels gross.
but it looks ok.
and also, im really tired.
and kinda dont want to go anymore.
its like a two hour church service, basically.

I know I should be excited.
but ew, im definitely nottttt.
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
9:41 am
I have English and Message of the New Testament today. So thats neat. Then, somehow, someone is kidnapping me off of the campus. And I am so excited. :-D Hurray. Because in all honesty, all the Jesus around here is going to kill me.
Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
9:01 am
Incredibly Long Post.
My Class Schedule.

Monday: 8 AM- Music Fundamental Theory
11 AM- Rhetoric and Research (soon to be changed, awaiting college transcript)
1 PM- Message of the New Testament
2 PM- Freshman Gateway Seminar
4 PM- Wind Ensemble (audition today)

Tuesday: 7:45 AM- Sightsinging/Ear training
11:45 AM- Chorale Union
5 PM- Evangelist Singers (audition results posted Friday)

Wednesday: 8 AM- Music Fundamental Theory
11 AM- Rhetoric and Research
1 PM- Message of the New Testament
2 PM- Freshman Gateway Seminar
4 PM- Wind Ensemble

Thursday: 7:45 AM- Sightsinging/Ear Training
11:45 AM- Chorale Union
5 PM- Evangelist Singers
6 PM- Wind Ensemble

Friday: 11 AM- Rhetoric and Research
1 PM- Message of the New Testament


My Friday schedule pretty much rocks.

Basically, my Monday classes are Monday/Wednesday/Friday, except for Music Fundamental Theory, which is only on Monday and Wednesday. Then, I have to decide between Wind Ensemble and Evangelist singers..which is going to be a hugely difficult decision. Tuesday is like the easiest day ever. I just have to get up wicked early, but after Chorale Union, I can just go to lunch and then go to sleep.

Its really weird being here. I've never been anywhere where everyone is so open about their religion. they seem really strict but I'm fairly certain that will die down once the first few weeks are over. Its pretty crazy right now, they do worship in the pedmall in front of my dorm every night. I've met some really, really fantastic people though. Some of them I know I won't be really good friends with, but I've met two girls who really understand me.

I've auditioned for the Lee Singers, the Evangelist Choir, and I'm auditioning for Wind Ensemble tonight. I just got off the phone with the Lee Clarion and I'm going in for a meeting soon to present my portfolio to them to see if I can get a job as a volunteer writer. Which is fantastic. I really want to get involved in journalism while I'm here, maybe even the literary magazine. Basically, I'm going to be incredibly, incredibly busy this year. :-D and I'm excited.

Its kind of annoying though because so many couples are, well, coupling off. And its really weird. And depressing because I haven't met a guy that makes my heart sing. Except for the really good Christian boys that I have no chance with. Its greaaaat. But there are more important things at stake than my relationship status. Like the fact that I haven't bought books yet...Oops.
Thursday, August 14th, 2008
11:35 pm
so tomorrow I move into my dorm.
This is an adventure.

You know, I've had this journal since the 8th grade. Its weird to see how much I've grown since then. Its just. Phenomenal. And tomorrow I become a real college student, I suppose.

I can't even handle it.

I'm excited and so, so sad.
Sunday, July 27th, 2008
1:19 pm
In n8th grade I used to update this thing constantly.
Like during class and shit.
I miss that.
Oh well.

So I got my first tattoo on Friday. And honsetly, I couldn't be more in love with it, or with my tattoo artist. I was really scared because of what I'd heard about the pain and stuff, but it kinda felt good, actually. Is that odd? Its a blue grey and black treble clef and its on my shoulder blade. I'll probably add a music staff behind it before I leave for college.

And oh yeah, thats happening soon. Really, really soon. I couldn't be more scared, man. Seventeen days. I started packing. My walls are bare. I cried. Yessir, I definitely did.

Theres so much stuff I need, too. Like sheets for the extra long beds. And stuff. And to know who my roommate is. And oh gosh.

I'm going to miss Michigan. My whole life i've told myself I would get out of here as soon as possible. But I've made some really good friendships here, and I don't want them to end just because I'm leaving.

Ugh.
Thursday, July 17th, 2008
9:14 pm
Its been five weeks since I updated this thing.
Which is pretty intense.

Today I didn't do anything. At all. I hung out with Rachel and we smoked a couple bowls and played cards and watched Fight Club. I liked that movie hardcore, it was really neato.

I got stood up tonight by this guy Brandon. well we never really had full plans but we were intending on hanging out. And we didn't. So I'm a little bit sad.

But we hung out on Tuesday and it was fun. Like real fun. Then i got trashed. Ridiculously trashed. I think I'm trying to compensate for the fact taht when I go to college I won't be having fun nights like that. I'll be hanging out at bible study or something like that. *sigh*. I'm not sure I can handle this.

Ughhhh. iehgtkdhsgkahdg.

I don't even know what else to write.

thats all
Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
2:26 pm
But that was when I ruled the world
I know I said I would update more.
and I continue to make a liar out of myself.
I keep thinking my phone is vibrating and it is quite obviously not vibrating at all.

I work today. I've worked the last eight days in a row. I enjoy money, and I get paid today, so everything is going swimmingly I suppose. I work at 5. First night time shift I've had in a million years. Unless you count the ones where I come in at eleven and get asked to stay until ten. I suppose those could be night time shifts also.

I'm still single. Surprise? Lol. But its cool. Because I'm going to college in ohmygod. Two months. That is so insane to me! Can't believe it. I got put into a residence hall with community bathrooms. I'm not so stoked about that. So I called to get put on the waiting list for my preferred residence halls. Keep your fingers crossed guys. Community bathrooms weird me out.

Its summer and its amazing. I love walking out of my house at ten o clock and having it still be seventy degrees.And looking at the stars. And smelling like sunscreen perpetually.

My open house is on Saturday. I never got around to making invitations. Oops. But the important people know when it is. So thats good news, right? Right.

I'm excited. and I'm happy. and its just a good thing.

Oh. and the new coldplay album comes out on Tuesday.
I want it.
Friday, May 9th, 2008
1:13 pm
update.
so yesterday the seniors went camping and had a big fire and we were all sober and it was really, really fantastic. I had a ton of fun.
TOday is senior skip day, and instead of hanging out with the rest of the senior class, I'm going to go have a ME day. I'm gonna go to a bookstore and a music store and drink coffee and smoke a lot of cigarettes and its going to be beautiful.

I can't believe I graduate so soon. This is incredible to me.
Sunday, April 27th, 2008
7:39 pm
Love me, cancerously.
I have made a liar of myself in the "updating more" realm, haven't I?
I'm sorry dears. I've been busy.

Prom was last night. I had way more fun than I thought I would. I can't believe that I, of all people, went to prom in a freaking limo. Thats just sillyness, ya know? But it was pretty fantastic. We drove around for awhile, reveling in our awesome limoness. And boys noticed me, which was fantastically odd. Considering some of them had dates. And I'm kinda sorta seeing someone.

Hmm. Stress is like my bread and butter right now. And I freaking love bread. And butter. I've been taking a lot of naps. Cuz they sooth my chafed aura.

Hmm. Allergies can blow me. My eyes hurt.

Did you know that

"high maintenance means you're a gluttonous queen
narcissistic and mean"

its a true story
Saturday, March 29th, 2008
2:48 pm
she wrote the great american napkin
So I haven't updated in thirteen weeks.

Life has been interesting lately. My dad cut me off financially. SUre, he only gave me like ten bucks a week, but that ten bucks really, really helped. I'm strugglin right now. But it'll get better.

The musical is this weekend! And so far its gone off without a hitch. Tonight is the last night of performance. Meaning...oh yeah...my last high school performance EVER. Its crazy. Its been a wild ride, I love being Winnifred. Even if she's gross. She's taught me its ok to not wear make up. Lol.

But I don't have the confidence to not wear make up.
I do realize its unnecessary, though.


haha. I'm crazy.

I think thats all for today. But I'll try to update more soon.

Loves!
Saturday, December 29th, 2007
1:04 am
Ten Bullet Points.
So I haven't updated in a million years. I'm doing this in list form.

1. I have an ovarian cyst the size of a golfball. I went to the hospital for said cyst. It sucks. my dad won't let me take my perscribed vicodin.
2. Still single.
3. Kris Roe of the Ataris bought me coffee and mozarella sticks last night.
4. No, seriously.
5. Still haven't picked a college.
6. Second place in school talent show.
7. Got the lead in the musical.
8. Computer is breaking on me againnn. Won't let me update my operating system.
9. My mother is still a raging bulldyke who doesn't want to see me over the holidays.
10.I can't wait for summer.

There now. Any questions?
Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
3:32 pm
thanksgiving this year blows like a cheap prostitute.
basically.
Monday, November 19th, 2007
5:57 pm
I figured I would update my journal.
Considering I haven't in about a month.
I've just been lurking, reading my friend's journals.


There isn't really much to report. I've been having some really wild times with my friends. I'm a pretty lucky girl, to have the friends I have.

Butttttttt on friday I was at a party and I drank beer off of the beer pong table. And someone took a picture of my ass right as my pants were falling down. And sent the pic to my ex boyfriend. Lol.

The beer didnt even taste as germy as it was.

I miss having a boyfriend...and I feel like a sleaze because I'm flirting with so many guys. I just dont like to be alone.

Smoking like a chimney.
Drinking like a fish.
Working.
Playing.
Going to church.
These are teh days of our lives.
Friday, October 19th, 2007
10:07 pm
1. Look out the window. What's the most interesting thing you see?
The streetlights reflecting off the wet street.

2. Last beverage you consumed?
Water. Hurrah water.

3. Who do you think deletes questions from surveys?
People who find the questions awkward or uncomfortable.

4. Three words to explain why you last threw up?
drank shit ton.

5. What is the equation for the Pythagorean theorem?
a^2+b^2=c^2

6. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls?
not as bad as Bratz. Those things are dressed so slutty.

7. What kind of car does your mother drive?
A burgundy rendezvous.

8. Does your family own any boats?
No, but perhaps one day we will

9. What's the craziest colour you've died your hair?
geez, pick one. purple, blue, turquoise, fire engine red

10. Oldest sibling?
Lauren

11. How many fingers do you have?
10.

12. Do you wish on shooting stars?
Yes

13. Do you believe there may be a chance of life outside of Earth?
Yes

14. Climate change: humans at fault, or an occurrence that happens naturally?
I think its a natural process that humans are speeding along.

15. Who are you the biggest fan of?
The Shins, Jimmy Eat World, Brand New, Band of Horses,Coldplay

16. Something you can't live without?
music. definitely.

17. Do you wear flip flops constantly
Yes, flip-flops own my soul.

18. What do you think of Adam Brody?
I'd do him. I'd fuck him gently. Love him discreetly.

19. Do you have air conditioning in your room:
We have central air. :-D

20. Have you ever kissed your dog:
Chyeah. on the forehead. :-D I love my puppies!

21. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
in my sixth grade classroom.

22. How often do you read books?
not often enough. i dont have time.

23. Do you like James Blunt?
not at all.

24. Describe the computer you are currently using:
its nice, flat screen monitor, video card is broken though so i only get sixteen layers of color.

25. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
depends on if im straightening my hair. if so, you dont even want to know how long, lol.

26. Will you donate your organs after you pass?
Yes, any of them that are usable. not my liver, obviously. lol

27. Have you been outside of the USA?:
yes, I went to Canada once.

28. Would you ever get your nipples pierced?
maybe.

29. What are you looking forward to?
Im not sure yet.

30. Last text you received on your mobile?
"things are looking up..." from jerrod about his car getting fixed.

31. What is the last bill you paid?
car insurance.

32. What song are you listening to?
City of Delusion-Muse

33. Last movie you watched?
I have no idea. Probably Across the Universe

34. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
probably rachel.

35. what cd is in your stereo?
Jimmy Eat World- Chase This Light

36. Do you have a job?
Yes, technically, two right now.

37. What did you do last night?
Hung out at Memma's house until around ten, and got dumped.

38. Do you wish at 11:11?
Of course.

39. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
Yep.

40. Do you find yourself attractive?
Definitely not tonight.

41. Who called you last?
I dunno.

42. What annoys you?
Liars.

43. Are you forgetful?
Yes

44. Next vacation you're going on?
I have no idea. Hopefully California

45. Do you play any instruments?
yes

46. Last thing that made you really laugh?
oh, id unno. probably my hilarious friends, lol.

47. Do you have any piercing?
just the ears.

48. Can you roll your r's?
nope. never got the hang of that.

49. Did you ever go to prom?
yes
Saturday, September 22nd, 2007
2:42 pm
long time no update.

ive been kind of lurking around livejournal.

not much has gone on in my life. well, yeah, it has, but i cant really be fucked to write it down.

basically, guy drama as usual.

work drama, as usual.

school drama, as usual.

the end.
Saturday, September 8th, 2007
1:50 pm
So.
School has started.
It's really quite amazing. Only not really.
My Schedule:

Government
AP World History
AP Calculus
Publications
Video Communications
Band

So far, I really don't have an opinion on any of my classes. I have to write a story for the newspaper this weekend, as well as write a report for AP History and do reading for my college class. I missed being stressed out....but I really hate it still.

I was gonna go to Renaissance Festival today but its looking like we're going to do it tomorrow instead. Which kinda pisses me off. Cuz I missed a seven hour shift today to go. And now its for nothing. And I'm annoyed. Because I really need money. Like really badly. Like I need 650 by the first week of November. And my bosses have only been giving me like ten hours a week. If that. Last week I worked a grand total of six hours. Not even six. They sent me home early. *steams*. I need a new job. Really badly.

Romantic life is a mess right now. I am a mess right now, actually. Just like...blah. But Nick and I talked. Finally. After a year. and I think I'm finalyl over it. I'm finally over him. And that makes me so happy. I can listen to coldplay without crying. For the most part. Except the scientist. That song just...reminds me of everything we had and didn't have and it doesn't help that the video is like...amazing.

I really don't have anything else to say. Except...blarg.
Monday, August 27th, 2007
8:13 pm
crazy is the forecast of the week
so.

lately.

I am single, again.

My boyfriend, my wonderful boyfriend, the first I've loved since my first relationship...lied to me the entire time we were dating. He told me that he hadn't done drugs (vicodin, oxycotin, cocaine) in a year and a half. He told me that he was done with that part of his life, and that I was his priority, and that he wanted to straighten his life out. THe part about me being his priority made me uncomfortable, and I went up north with the intention of breaking up with him. But when I got there, eveverything was so amazing. It was like we clicked all over again, and I didn't want to be away from him, and he didn't want to be away from me. But all of our mutual friends kept telling me about stuff that he was doing, like getting drunk and high before he went to work, and doing pills with his friends. And every other time people had told me stuff like that, I asked him if it was true, and he said no. I've asked him that question upwards of ten times. And I believed him every single time he told me no. So i went back home, after a week, and it was fine. I kept telling him that he needed to get his life together though, because he was 18, and I didn't want to be the only thing he had in his life. And yeah...he said he wanted to. I called him when I got back home and we talked for awhile and somehow, I don't remember how, we got on the topic of him doing drugs. And he finalyl admitted that he was still doing them.

Then he said that he didn't want to get his life together, because he was having the time of his life right now, and that he could control it. He said he was sorry for lying to me, and that every time he did it tore him up inside. I was really upset, and it was getting late, so I told him that I had to go, and I'd call him back. ANd he was crying and he said that he wanted to be with me every day and he was so sorry.
I told him that I would call him back the next day and we'd talk more.

When I called him back, he was high.

So I told him until he got his life together, I didn't want to be anything more than his friend.

I think that I did the right thing. But it doesn't change the fact that now I'm alone, again. And that he really hurt me by lying. He lied to me for so long. And I still love him but I have to move on. It really hurts,and I'm really confused.

The end.
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